The temporary expat life.
Transient. In every fucking sense of the word. See, I would love to tell you that I'm living the time of my life all the time, but also keep in mind that digital alter ego is where we polish our image to portray the best of ourselves to the world, just like how you would dress up for your first date, fresh and best foot forward. I wouldn't say that I'm living a lie, maybe a half truth will be a better description of what life is like here. I'm tired of impermanence, of a passing phase. I crave a foundation to ground upon on but what's that? I need to whet the appetite for living and setting goals for the future, but right now, I feel like I'm stuck in a routine of non-progression. Anxiety that I won't be able to get out of this cycle of indecision, how can I see a clear direction without an arrow. Am I in my quarter life crisis now?
No matter how many people you have met during that window of period you are away from home, there will be times where you will fall apart, or the solitude you suddenly find yourself in will feel like a challenge. It's infinitely exhausting having to constantly explain that living abroad does have its lows, lows that suffocates you, that intimidates you and catches you by surprise. Loneliness is a fuel for dangerous reactions. You engage in vices that you wouldn't normally partake in order to suppress it, then judge yourself for it. You become a dynamite, waiting to explode at the next tick. Before you know it, fun is just a facade. With every cigarette butt that lit up, with every breath that eases the anxiety attacks that unsuspectingly consumes you, with every drink you drown into. Days like these put your life into perspectives, how much you have changed in a short period of time. The constants that have shifted in blocks and the variables that redefine your life in ways you can never imagine. I can't explain how disoriented, how desperate I tried to make sense of things, how I am crumbling under the weight of obscurity. When I can't, I call that TIT -This Is Thailand.
I am navigating a very strange period, in a distinctly strange place from what I've always known back home. Too foreign for here, too foreign for home. Too liberal as an asian, too conservative by western standards. I don't fit into a box, or keep between the lines, I guess you can say that I'm off centre. An everyday reality as soon as I walked out to the streets, facing stares and catcalls when I bare my shoulders, trying my best to move my feet along and ignore the chaotic traffic and stares. Away from shelters and structured lifestyle, here, I don't have a safety net. Experimenting with grey areas, Facing close calls to death, Adapting to fit my circumstances as my primitive instincts guide me through.
Living abroad is more than a perpetual honeymoon, the ephemeral romance and the beach life. Sure, some days look spectacular, but most days are truly the hallmark of learning the struggles of living in your own terms. I'm used to be the one leaving, but when you are on the flip side, it feels like a dead weight. I made a bucket list for myself, do whatever I want to do within my means to do so. Constantly reassuring myself It's okay to feel lonely, that's being human. Today, I came back from work seeing yet another huge gap between the usual food stalls, signalling yet another exit. Another instance of transience in my new reality. How apt.
You master the art of being selectively available for the people who matters the most (at least at one point of my life), distance yourself just enough to keep them by the reins. Putting effort in temporal friendships is optional and disposable relationships becomes a thing. If you can't beat the game, get real good at it. You find a shift in relationship dynamics with your family as a result from being away from home. It's almost ironic how I've never felt a strong bond with my parents. Sure, there's always mutual respect, love and kindness but I'm not sure if I've ever felt anything more than that. Thankful, regardless. For being supportive in my unconventional decisions, for being there through times I'm feeling incredibly disoriented and crushed. I wished that I can reveal more things without the fear of judgements, but we live with skeletons in the closet, only revealing facts that contains half-truths. We don't ask questions we don't want to hear the answers to.
I've always wondered what if I stayed in between the safety lines, to travel in herds or settled for the study attachment in Japan instead of an internship here. How different will my life be right now? I've thought about this a lot, how things would go in the future. For now, I am fighting to be independent, emotionally and financially, to live an expat life at a place I can call home. I mean I'm living a slice of it now, and the reality of it knocks me over at times, how hard it can get.
I'm back, in my secondary parallel world, knowing that more people around me are being taken away from the life I've grounded upon here. What's next?