Independence Day. How apt.
Every birthday is a timely reminder of independence and adulting. Growing up, I've never knew that I could be bold, but there I am, pounding through weird yet spectacular situations unlikely of what I have imagined. Working abroad has always been a dream and in some ways I've made some of my dreams a reality, but also I've realised what this newfound reality holds. Bangkok, you sin city that have embolden me to experience things that I was sheltered from back home, some days I scare myself. In other ways, I've translated my insecurities into strength, procrastination into decisiveness. With people, I'll reciprocate and double on kindness and storytelling if it's a two way street.
Kinophobia; the fear of ordinary life. I'm looking out at a window pane on the 30th floor, pondering what does ordinary looks like anymore?
Fear at 23 looks a lot like settling for things that you should do, instead of things that inspires you everyday. Sounds very much like quarter life crisis. Adulting is a lot like learning to ride a motorbike for the first time, unconsciously unskilled, there is no one direction to go about it, no right or wrong. Fear of losing control, fear of embarrassment, it's knowing that you are consciously unskilled and transcending to ultimately being unconsciously skilled at something. It's drawing out strengths and turning them into skills of trade. On the other side, at 23, what losses can be too significant? Success or failure, there's still a lot of living to do. Hard decisions are hard because (1) we fear the unknown (2) there is no best choice. Sure, we can weigh our odds or even, but do we really know what lies ahead? I'm fearless when it comes to short term commitments, but making permanent choices, tied to a contract, unable to walk away. That's terrifying.
There is consolation in knowing that everything is transient, in times of sadness and happiness. And even so, happiness and sadness are spectrums, how do you express those feelings that are caught in between? I'll choose to capture them all in a timeframe, 'lean in to that suck' because those times will pass real quick. To think that adulthood is a lot more complex than it seems. Even more so when you are away from the comfort of home. They say the grass is greener on the other side, I say wait for reality to set in before you make the judgements. Life goes beyond the grid and glamour of what Instagram shows. This freedom that comes with sacrifices, and the hardest part remains the fact that you have to be your own support system, both financially and emotionally. This reality is not instagramm-able, at the very least.
Spending a copious amount of time with myself, doing things for myself. I've lost time debating on whether I should head solo or find someone to hang out with but I'm not going to that person anymore. What's wrong with being my own MVP? I make outrageous choices when I explore my options, it's emboldening, but I'm also scared of my experiments. Out of plain sight, out of line but they are my choices, I'll take ownership of them regardless of the outcomes. Cest la vie. Decisions are mostly conditioned under circumstances or practicality, just like how a start up operates. I can't say that I'm complaining for what I am able to get out of it. I've gotten a lot better at being honest with myself and knowing where my boundaries lie. Some days, I'll still make bad choices but well, it's the definition of what being young looks like, experimentation. Someone once told me that everyone has the same amount of time everyday and my decisions right now are compound interest, it accumulates to direct you to your future path. If only our future is as clear as the directions of our daily commute, life will be so much easier. But the reality exists as a tunnel vision, seeking clarity as you play out the odds. Some days, you get lost in translation.
In all the recent events that I've accomplished by myself, the profound sense of loneliness of training for a race by myself still caught me by surprise. I've compromised on my health status for way too long, and justified my bad habits with being away from home but truly, it's just excuses. I wasn't prepared for how challenging and lonely this daily grind after work was going to be but deep inside I knew I have to power through the soreness. I've never thought of entering a race by myself, especially when I'm overseas, but there I was, plunging into the lake at the starting point at 8AM on a Sunday morning. Being a student athlete taught me that I need to respect my body by conditioning it prior to the race, and so far my body has reciprocated by pushing me through to the finish line successfully. I am back on track (well kind of). Good job, Lyrenna. To more good choices ahead, you are running out of time to make bad decisions. We are made of our choices, circumstances and the sum of our parts.
Happy Birthday, Lyrenna. You've got this.